I’m not
really sure how to start this. It’s been
a while since I’ve shared here, cutting myself open and revealing the most
intimate details of what makes me who I am.
It’s been on my heart, though… sharing.
Someone I trust and confide in unknowingly confirmed that this is what I
should be doing. So here I am.
What good are
the struggles we survive and challenges we overcome if no one ever sees the
glory in our victories? How can we embolden others when they don’t know what we’ve endured to get
where we are? Portraying perfection in
yourself only causes others to feel inadequate.
Believe me, I know.
I’m
consistent in the habit of comparing myself to people around me. However, my insecurities do not lie in my
appearance, but in the fundamental fabric that defines me as a person... my feelings of inadequacy, unworthiness, uselessness... They are so much deeper than satiating a diffidence of my physical aesthetics that sometimes it causes palpable pain to
unearth these timidities and face them head on.
Most times, I choose to concede to them, feeling the pain bluntly beating inside me, but
deep enough that I can pretend they don’t exist. Until one day, the pressure becomes too
great, the delicate barrier that detains it begins to wane, and all
those trifling, seemingly insignificant insecurities become mountains that I
cannot get over.
The only way
to prevent this from happening is the gradual release of pressure so it never
reaches a terminal force. How does one
do this? Sharing. Talking. Trusting. Confiding.
One more
thing that I think is absolutely necessary in this healing process is transparency. (This, will most definitely
be a challenge for me.)
I’m going to
put things out here that I don’t even like acknowledging myself.
But, I’m
tired of doing this alone, feeling like
no one else knows what I’m going through.
I know I am
not the only person that has lost a child (albeit mine was in utero).
I know I’m
not the only person who has had to grieve with no support, feeling that when
people say, “Oh, you’ll be okay, you’ll get through it” was more of a dagger
through my heart than someone acknowledging the loss.
I know I am
not the only person to suffer depression so quietly that people are shocked
when they find out you aren’t sitting on rainbows and riding unicorns everyday
of your life.
I know I’m
not the only person to feel betrayed by the people closest to them because in
their own grieving, they retreated and left you alone.
So, I will
share.. Not to edify, but to encourage.
I don’t have a magic potion that makes grief disappear. There are no essential oils to melt away feelings of worthlessness. I've found no mantras to instantly calm anxiety. I don’t
know how to unbreak myself or anyone else.
But, I do know that knowing I’m not the only one will give me strength
to keep searching for answers and keep persevering toward joy, forgiveness and
wholeness.
October is
National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I’m thinking it’s a good time for me to start
thinking, talking, remembering this traumatizing event in my life and finally,
after 5 years of suffering, begin to heal.
Did you know?
- One in four pregnancies ends in the loss of a baby
- The loss of a child is recognized as the most intense cause of grief
- Parents never “get over” the loss of a child – no matter the age or stage
- Parents experiencing grief without supportive care can have debilitating consequences such as PTSD, depression and anxiety and could further result in job loss, divorce, difficulties in daily living, or impediments with parenting of living children.
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