Surrendering to the Free Fall of Change

drawing by me, 2015 sketchbook project

There's always these moments in time when everything changes.  It's terrifying, exciting, overwhelming, exhilarating... and almost always painful.  Sometimes it seems that every possible change that could possibly happen waits until the same exact moment to reach it's precipice... and instead of just stepping onto a new path, you feel like you've just jumped off of a cliff in a free fall, not knowing if or where you'll land, feeling your stomach rise to your heart and your heart rise to your throat... but then... just when you think the fear might kill you, something lifts... you relax a little and realize the feeling of falling isn't so bad.  You embrace the rush of the unknown racing towards you and you just let go of whatever false control you were holding on to.  Instead of falling, you're floating.  Instead of focusing on the possibly catastrophic ending to your fall, you change your perception.  In that exact moment, you connect to the idea that you are completely un-tethered. Instead of seeing that your disconnect from stability will eventually end in a sudden and abrupt meeting with a solid force, you look at that one second... and in that one second, you are simply unattached.  You are free.

But, you have to surrender.

That's where I am now.  Things happen.  I can, perhaps, influence these situations slightly, but not much.  So, I'm doing my part, and otherwise, just enjoying the ride.

This beautiful life we've been given to live, love and experience... it needs a deliberate person to really, fully, venerate it.  No more apathetic living.  No more squandering my moments on thinking "what if" or regretting.

I will be mindful and present... open to pain and joy alike... vulnerable and strong... free, but always moving with a purpose... balanced.

Rotten Apples

I know it's been almost a month since my last post.  I've written several since then, but just didn't feel they were to be shared. 

The past few weeks have been difficult.  Writing here has reopened so many wounds that for so long I pretended had healed.  I'm so very talented at feigning contentment.

In the midst of processing my grief, I've unearthed substantial resentment that has been festering inside me for so long.  Of course, I thought if I ignored it and stopped allowing myself to feel it that it would just vanish.  Unfortunately, that's not how it works. 

You can't just bury a rotten apple in your produce drawer, pretend it isn't there, and not expect it to infect everything else around it. 

And sometimes, by the time you realize the damage that has been done and what needed to be done to prevent it, it's too late.  It can't be undone. 

All of this has led to the most intense spiritual crisis I've ever had in my life (and believe me, I've had a few). 

I know the stipulations of being an acceptable Christian.  And in my opinion, the fact that I allowed this rotten apple to putrefy everything around it means I am not, in fact, a good Christian.

So where does that leave me? 

Are we, as Christians, permitted to be hurt, to feel hurt by others and have difficulty conceding to it and moving on? 

What exactly does forgiveness entail?  In order to forgive, do we have to deliberately subject ourselves to the same detriments over and over again because it is considered selfish to want the hurting to end by turning our backs to it?  Or is forgiveness defined by not resenting anymore, ending the hurting inside you, and moving on in the direction that will prevent it from happening again?

And now, through all of this, will God be by my side even if I, in an effort to do what's right, may not go the direction He actually wants for me?  Will I forever be lost to the favor of God?  Or will He bless me regardless because my intentions are pure?  Will He lift his hand from me as punishment for holding onto the hurt?

I know what the scriptures say.  It is just so hard to believe His mercy is THAT abounding.  And even more so... that I am deserving of it.